i’m not dead yet

i’m not dead yet

It seems like it has been literally a lifetime since I have posted on this blog! My life has been a whirlwind since I started my last semester of university back in July and I feel like I need to get this blog up to speed. What’s the lowdown, Rac?

Well, I’m not dead yet.

That’s a plus, right?

I guess it depends on whether you like me or not, but that’s debatable… let’s move on!

I’ve been a mess.

Imagine yourself standing in a black void. Then imagine university as a human entity standing beside you literally throwing university-related imagery at your head; textbooks, stationary, calculators, notepads, laptops, coffee, smashed avo’s…

Whilst this is happening, imagine your workplace as a human entity standing on the other side of you literally throwing workplace-related drama’s at your head; 40 hour weeks, customer complaints, orders from management, staff in training, cash registers, coffee, smashed avo’s…

Then imagine all your friends and family standing in a circle around you while this is happening. They’re not throwing things at you, but they are giving you multiple opinions on how to survive it, but it’s all just a murmur of voices, like a crowd of people talking. White noise.

Lastly, imagine a happier you, standing right in front of you, projecting memories of better times- like a TV- right in front of your eyes.

How overwhelming is that?

That’s what it has felt like for me over the past three months. Do you see why I’ve been going insane, now? It’s not like I couldn’t take it. I was taking it. I’d rock up to uni and sit through two hour lectures, I’d then trudge my way to work and put on my customer service face for 8 hours, I’d then drive 40 minutes home spending the little time I had to myself having a little cry every now and then about how overwhelmed I was, I’d go to bed for five hours maximum, wake up, and do it all again.

I’m pretty good at keeping composed around others, and I definitely don’t talk about my issues because I don’t need to burden other people with my problems and I don’t like to be seen as weak. So I was coping, but I was extremely unhappy.

So I decided to do something about it.

I thought,

and I thought,

and guess what I did? I thought some more.

And I pinpointed the main source of negativity. My work.

I’ve worked at the same cafe for the past two years and I loved it. The reason I loved it was because of my co-workers, my friends. I love those people more than words can explain. But when they started moving on, I realised the ridiculousness in what I was doing.

I realised that getting up at 3am to start work at 4:30am was ridiculous. I realised that getting home at 11:30pm after work was ridiculous. I realised that having only 6 hours in between shifts was ridiculous. I realised that getting only three to five hours of sleep each night was ridiculous. The stress that I was putting myself under relating to that workplace was ridiculous; I would get major OCD over that workplace, I would dream about that workplace and wake up in sweats at night because of that workplace. It was a mentally and physically stressful environment with too many jobs to get done and not enough time to do them in.

This realisation hit me at the start of this week- before this realisation I told myself that this is what I needed to do if I wanted to have both full-time work weeks and do full-time university- and I knew immediately what I was going to do.

I resigned.

So, LIFE UPDATE. For the first time in five years, I have one job.

I’m a digital marketing content creator for my university, and I’m focused on finishing university because I am determined to graduate this year. I am currently looking for another job to get further in my field of study, but for now, I can afford to take a well deserved break.

As I said earlier, I don’t want to be seen as weak, but from all of this, one thing I’ve learnt that has stuck with me is that:

Keeping something toxic in your life because you’re afraid of the consequences is weak within itself. Having the courage to admit something is not working out is actually an act of strength. It shows that you’re progressing emotionally and mentally as a human being, and that you know what is best for yourself.

I’m a believer in fate, and from the moment I decided I was going to resign, I had a good feeling about it. Sure, I don’t have a stable income each week until I find a new job, but I feel like fate has something good in store for me. My Dad actually said something that resonated with me, he was explaining that in order for the next big positive thing to happen, maybe I need to give up something big and negative.

I’ve been told that my ambition and joyfulness has disappeared within the past couple of months…

Ambition and joy is the essence of Racquel!

I needed to get that back, and right now, I’m the most ambitious and joyful I’ve been since I returned from Europe.

If something is making you unhappy, get rid of it. Life’s too short to keep those toxicities in your life. Who knows, something better might be on the horizon!

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Racquel Hardie
Racquel Hardie

A twenty-something Aussie woman passionate about travel and documenting everything.

Find me on: Web | Twitter

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